For the sake of blogging....

I felt the need to blog just for the sake of blogging but I have nothing interesting to say. Not really. Which, oddly enough, has been the case for the past year. All of a sudden I have nothing to say and nothing to write about. I keep telling myself that I want to start working on my poetry more or start writing a short story. I have all these ideas but I never put thought to paper (or more realistically, to computer). It's rather annoying. A year and a half ago I couldn't shut up with things to say and I wrote all the time. Maybe it's because I have too many things on my mind that I can't separate the thoughts, everything at this point is a big blur. For instance: paying off my credit cards, holding enough money for a savings, getting into a university, pursuing music, writing my own music, focusing on vocal performance, auditions for universities, looking towards a better career, my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend, my sisters wedding and me being the maid of honor with a lot to do, continuing to mend the relationship with my father, afraid to mend my relationship with my father because of fear of getting hurt again....

All of this I use to channel into writing but the focus' all came in seasons and lately it's building up. I could build a mansion with dozens of big rooms with different focus' to which my attention is at; to where it use to be just one small house and there were problems one after the other, now there are problems in bulk. Ugh....

My best friend Tanya is going to Texas for the holidays. She is leaving Saturday. This kind of saddens me, but I know she needs to spend time with family. Tanya is truly an empowering woman. I love her.

That is all for now....

Updates

This week I am moving out of my parents house, and yes its for good. They already have plans to move my little brother into my room. Dont get me started on the many countless times my younger brother, 20, who has moved out and they have just left the room there for him. You can imagine that I am not leaving on good terms. But there is a happily ever after. I will be moving in with my boyfriend of almost 2 years and his family. A place I can feel at home.

In other news. I am working, a lot. Finally! I work Monday through Friday at an afterschool program called THINK Together where I finally obtained a classroom of my own. It's the first time this program has been at this school, before it was Boys and Girls Club. It was really rough at first, however the kids and I get a long great. Its a great place to work, and I enjoy the fun kid like things I get to do! I still work at Barnes & Noble, which seems to be going better. I picked a couple shifts this week, however small, it pays for my gas at least.

As far as Christian and I go, we are saving up for a future life together. *Hint* Im keeping my fingers crossed. We are so happy in love, never thought it would truly be like this. Our relationship has blossomed and we have matured as adults through understanding of each other and through a better understanding of the future in terms of what we want out of life. He works still at the YMCA 6 days a week and he is taking an online class at RCC.

In cooler news. The RCC Chamber Singers got invited to sing at the Star Wars Concert at the Honda center last week and Nokia Center this week. Its really awesome, another once in a lifetime experience I suppose.

On Oct 12, Our Zickefoose, and Doran, family pet is scheduled to be put down. Penny is getting old and it's hard to see her in constant pain everyday. Although lately it seems that she's been more active and puppy like. As always she loves being the center of attention, so even in pain she'll get up and walk around when family is here. She will be truly missed. She is the one thing that really brought this big family together. My siblings and I share memories from when Theresa and Scott were together in our younger years to Theresa and Kevin together with the add on of Melyssa, Jarrod, and neices and nephews - Kaylen, Justice and Molly.

I continue to crochet through the stress and I am hopefully going to start writing again. November is National Novel Writing month. I think it would be a great project for all. Write 175 pages or 50,000 words in one month. If interested go to http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Until next time...

Our beatiful puppy.

A summer to Remember

Summer has been very good to me. Though I am broke now. But I thought I would just just share a few pics of my journey this summer.

Still waiting and The night is passion

What a great way to start a project... by forgetting about it. So today i am posting two poem, however one is lyrical, which is recent and the other is older.

Enjoy!

Still waiting...

She will love you with her smile
Talk a walk that lasts for miles
She will drown you in her lips
Wipe away those tears with a kiss

She will guard you with her life
Though you hate it when she fights
And when she's lying in your arms
You still find ways to be alarmed.

But that's not all...

She will caress your weary soul
Put it all into a bowl
She will give you all her affections
And make love without discretion...
knowing, oh, its not enough.

So she will dance inside your head
While you figure out the rest.
Yes she will love you from a far
and let you make love to life instead
of her...
But don't take long, please dear.

There's a song I love to hear,
A simple tune that makes things clear
About a girl who dreams in bed
Who loves a boy, last thing she said...
I'll be waiting, don't take long, please dear.

And if the sun won't seem to rise
You feel lost deep inside
Remember stars still have their shine,
They'll be bright days ahead
and
Please know,
That you dance inside my head
While you figure out the rest
Know i love from a far
Please find comfort in who we are.
I'm still waiting, dear


The night is passion

You asked me jump
So I crawled to my knees
asking, "where is your love,
Have you proved it to me?"
So I jumped, I fell to my
death taking a rose from my lips
to stain you with this:

As I lay for eternity, my hands
cover my eyes-enclosing secrets
unsaid, a heart you left dead.
You asked me to cry
so I laughed in the forest
listening to trees
confess their love in the dark.

I lay in wonder

I love poetry! I have been writing poetry since I was in high school. However, for some time now I have put it on hold and recently its been brought back into my life. So I have a project of my own. Everyday for 6 months I am going to post a poem whether it be old or new to share. Poetry use to be an important part of my life and it saved me in a lot of ways. And in this particular time of my life, I could use some more saving.

Here is the first entitled:

I lay in wonder

Your touch embraces me with time.
The slide of your hand creates
The woman that I am, the woman
I long to be. Make me a woman!
No darkness can hide this power,
The strength of lust and burning desire.
Our bodies scream and Lightning roars.
When our bodies touch
Water pours - you are my boat.
Hearts are throbbing louder and
The paleness of love echoes-
It's flushed in your face. I lay in wonder.
Am I yours for desire? The shape
Of my body is yours to burn afire.
My eyes have deceived once more.
They are not enough to lure
You. The passion I yearn for is lost,
This vision is to far out of reach.
The night takes me on an adventure I
Fear I'll never reach. I lay in wonder.
Why can my body not speak? Why
Won't you let it release? My dimple is too
Cute, it gives you an excuse. If I let my
Secrets go, will my vision of your
Heart race for me? Can my lips help you to
Escape (passionately with me)? Your
Body makes me blush, the
Strength of your arms I crave. I lay in wonder.
Will I ever make you smile? It would be so sweet.
Your touch and smile, your strength and your body-
Could complete the absence inside of me.
If it would only press against me. I lay in wonder...
Will I ever be loved? Will I ever be desired?

Nature's Story

To the left is my beautifully wild and spirited cat, Beethoven. Her name is all the explanation she needs :)

Somehow this piece was saved from the loss of my laptop. I emailed myself a lot of my work and saved some writings on my parents computer. I wrote this extremely unfinished short piece in August of 2007. It's one of those pieces where I am not sure where it's going, but I know and remember what I was feeling and I tried to best illustrate that through writing. It's not very mature, or polished because this is the first time I am seeing it since I wrote. Perhaps some day I will go back and re-exam but I like keeping them the way they are. It shows more of the character that was me when I wrote it, and that's why it's special to me. Whether is actually good or not, it has some personality.

I hope you enjoy:

She slid her hands ever so gently across the white crimson petals so as to not break the fragile beauties. The bees floated along the honeysuckles like clouds float in the skies, except there intentions are greedy, not as clouds are, which are to provide imaginative creatures, shapes and sometimes protection from the sun, she thought. She watched the wind create ripples in the grass, moving as such do waves. The grass was long and hair-like, except pointing in the opposite direction. She often thought about standing on her head, if she could, so that the grass was right side up-but the effort was too grave. She also thought about braiding a few strands of the grass but voted against it-she didn’t like disturbing the winds mean for play.
The trees stood tall and mighty like giants with kind faces. Most of the trees had long string-like branches with small leaves falling softly above her head, she liked to think of it as the trees way of saying hello. These trees provided shade and sometimes donated there long string-like branches with leaves attached for her to play with. She liked to pretend she was a warrior, hunting through the wilderness or she would use the branches for jewelry to keep the tree, her protector, with her always. In the end, she always gave it back, the branch, she didn’t like to keep. After all, the branches weren’t hers to begin with, the tree was merely sharing.
Under the tree she would stare aimlessly at the ants. They marched one by one, one after the other all over the roots of the trees, one tree in particular actually. She always wondered why. Just like she always wondered why no one else came to this spot. She was particularly glad of it, but was a bit saddened that it was neglected from time to time when she could not make her regular visit. Reality summoned her often and seemed very demanding of her.
The ants followed each other robotically, as if some being controlled their every move. When one ant distorted the line, the others would attack it, punishing it and ultimately killing it. She didn’t like watching this part, though she couldn’t help but watch the murderous act. She felt obligated to feel pity for the ants whom died in vain.
Most times she felt robotic, which was exactly why she came to this spot so often: to dream, to wonder, to explore.

The Randomocity of my mind

This is an awesome picture I took when at the Plateau. I love how the light just bursts through. Its beautiful.

...So I often will get glimpses, more like dreams, of possible future stories. I write them on a piece of paper and then they usually get thrown in the back of my folder or put in a pile on the ground by my desk. This story was lucky enough to get through the mess that is my life. It found a little bit of light, hence why i put the bursting of light picture up.... I am fond of it this writing. I don't know what it means or where it is going. But I like it. So I will share it:

11 April 2009
Not long ago I was a child, a wild spirit. Full of dreams, fairy tales and magic- I was surrounded by peace. Blue skies were endless, even when the clouds tried to over power; it was a game we played. There were times when I welcomed the clouds, the constant rain, the fever of the cold, and the dark empty spaces. It was what I connected to the most; and most days, still do. And in those dark spaced I played games with fire flies. I’d capture them in the web of my despair and they would respond with a glimpse of the future. It felt like dreams, like the magic I use to capture in the innocence of my youth. Time would freeze and the cold felt like fire burning beneath my skin. It was a drug. A drug I sought night after night to escape these urges that overpowered me every day. In time, I became a stranger to myself and to reality. Nothing seemed real anymore.