Christian and I have parted ways and after looking back on it further I am surprised he didn't call it off sooner. I have drowned myself in everything that is wrong with my life that it became unbearable for him to even be around me. I wouldn't have wanted to be around me. I lost hope, passion and happiness. But above all I lost myself. I forgot how to live without him. That was my biggest mistake.
I love him, but I haven't been able to love myself so how can he possibly love me. As the days pass I learn more and more of what I have been missing in my life, and that would be the value of my self-worth. It is little to nothing. So it is my hope that in this separation that I shall find myself again. Find all those things that gave me the simplest pleasure. A life apart from him, a life that I am comfortable standing alone in.
It pains me to part from him because I love him so dearly. Being with him is the happiest I have ever been. He gave me light when at the time I saw only but darkness. I didn't tell him enough that he is my best friend and my soul mate. He deserves to hear that everyday.
My hope is that on the way to discovering my self-worth is that he won't forget about me. He won't forget about our love or that what he have is something so special. I could never forget about him. And although he will not be in the making of my self discovery nor in the plans of my future he will undoubtedly be my inspiration for moving forward, moving towards happiness.
So while I am headed on this new path I plan to live it up. I know it'll take time, and though I am highly impatient, but I intend to take each moment and every opportunity to learn and do something new. Starting with a hand made positive poster to hang on my wall. After that I want to join karate, find an art class in town, buy a few books, start writing stories again, create more crocheting projects, learn how to speak French better, work on my body image... and spread all the love I can give around.
This is going to be a summer of great things.