Surprise!

Well It's not a surprise to some. But here it goes...

In July Christian and I got in contact again and started talking. In August we were back together. This is great news because he is the love of my life and he makes me incredibly happy. We went to Disneyland for my birthday, we went to Las Vegas to see my Uncle, we went to the

beach, hung out with family and things have been wonderful.

News of this may come to a shock to some, I know my summer has been pretty crazy, but I believe some of it was necessary. I was still figuring out a lot about myself. It was a growing process for both Christian and I while we were apart, but we can never be apart for two long. We love each other so much and it continues to show everyday.

In September, the 17th to be exact we got even more news. Our little family is going to be growing to 3. That's right, I am pregnant and I am due May 6th.

Though this isn't exactly the right time for me considering I just finally started Cal Poly, Christian and I just got back together and our financial

situation isn't the best... I kinda see it as a blessing and miracle. The doctors, since I was 17, have told me that there is a strong possibility that I may never be able to have a child. So our little muffin is a miracle.

To be perfectly honest, I was depressed for the first 3 weeks of knowing but I have come to terms with and see that God gave me this special gift. There are still so many things I want to do in my life and I may not be ready and willing to have a child, but God has other plans for me it seems.

So I hope all who read this will be happy for me and know that I am so happy in my life right now. Things will be hard and my health is definitely a concern, but I have a great family support system and look forward to meeting my little baby.

Disneyland August 2010

Pie #3 - Lemon Meringue

So my third pie is a Lemon Meringue. It's very yummy I have to say. Of course I started off with the crust, which went beautifully. I was very proud of the way it was made and how it didn't break. Although when I had to pre-fully cook the crust the weights were not heavy enough which caused the crust to shrink a bit and rise from the pan.

The lemon part was the easiest I have to say. I lot of lemon straining was involved. For the meringue, I kept thinking I was doing something wrong because it was only getting slightly puffy. Just turns out that it's meant to be whipped for a long time before the right fluffiness takes place (something I'll know for next time).

So although the meringue isn't fluffy, it still taste good. Today I'm going to bring it to work to share with my co workers. Hopefully they like it.

(someone took a chunk of the Meringue- i guess it was that good :D)

Things are just beginning.

So... my birthday came and went without any hoopla. It's the way I wanted it to go anyways.

It started out with Monkey coming home from work, checking my email to find out an old friend of the family and his son got arrested for selling drugs, to receiving my incredibly cool new bike - a red cruiser with a cool red basket (i'll have to post the picture later)- going out to breakfast to have my favorite- eggs benedict, to going to Khols to pick up my second gift from Monkey - Reebok Simply Tone shoes - a quick stop at Barnes & Noble for a drink to pretty much spending the rest of the day playing Halo's ODST. The evening was followed by Sushi and tears with all the stress of the events with the family, coming home to make an awesome Pecan Pie (picture to the left) and drinking lots of wine and spa time. My favorite moments are the bike, the pie and kicking Halo butt while being really

tipsy. The other days follow with a small family gathering with none of my brothers showing up, going back to monkeys to drink more wine and spa time. Next day is, I have to say the best because it involves Disneyland where we brought Vodka and Cranberry juice. Fantastic idea! (not that Disneyland isn't awesome alone). It ended up being an absolutely beautiful and memorial day and the best part was that I kicked Monkey's ass on the buzz ride (picture to the right).

And that, my friends, was my birthday weekend.

In other news, Evan my younger brother was released from the house after several incidents, my mother is out of the ICU and is feeling better from her kidney infection, Evan is also healing from a big wound on his hand that led him a trip the the ER, my older brother Jarrod is high in spirits but is in and out of the ER and we are hoping he recovers from all his sicknesses soon.

The rest of September goes as follows, mourning my rejection into the RCC Chamber Singers, I guess that was bound to happen sooner or later, the death of music career and starting Cal Poly Pomona as an English Literature major.

Now it might seem that I am a bit bitter, and you could be correct in some ways, however. I am incredibly happy with one thought, that now options are wide open and the possibilities are endless. I have no ties to RCC anymore so I can disappear from that scene and soon I will disappear from Barnes & Noble seen if I can move closer to school and I can do whatever I want and start over. It's what I've been looking forward too for a while now. The possibilities seem endless and I am excited about them. I can start living a life, at least a new one.

It feels like things are just beginning, and I'm 23.

Pie!

So there is this show that got cancelled a couple years ago. It was called Pushing Daisies. I loved that show. It was about this man named Ted who had the power to bring things back to life and he was a pie maker, owner of the Pie Hole. This summer I got reconnected with the two seasons that survived (thanks to Netflix) and became obsessed all over again. I went out and bought me an apron, which isn't finished, and a pie pan.

Well yesterday I made my first Pie. It's an Apple Pie Crust. It's so yummy too!

I told my parent that my new goal in life was to own my own pie store. I swear it could be the next big thing :) We'll see how it goes...

A Summer with my brother

This is a really rough and spontaneous video we did where my nephew is recording. There will be a better one up soon hopefully. My Brother just bought a new guitar and a little recording device.

I was really hoping this summer would be filled with great music we could make and though I've written a lot of lyrics and melodies, life does get busy and my brother wasn't really as focused as I was. But that's okay. I know when the moment is right again, we'll make another great song we will be proud of.

When Jarrod and I are together, it feels like anything can happen. He has truly been my angel this summer. The big brother, and brother, I've always wanted. God granted me that this summer. In good timing too.

On Tuesday we hung out and after 5 mins of brainstorming we went to Disneyland where I obtained a pass. We had a little "spirits" with us, which made it all the more fun. Recreated a bit of his childhood memories since he hasn't been there since he was a child. And we both loved the fireworks... well I always do, but I was glad he enjoyed them too. We went home with great memories.

Jarrod has made this summer unforgettable. We've been unbelievably drunk together (while making this song), gone to the beach and spent time with Scott (my real dad), ate a ton of yogurt, shopping, bars, having great conversations and most importantly, had a ton of laughs. He taught me how to not to sweat the small stuff and brush it off my shoulder. He taught me how to laugh again as well.

I know he'll be leaving soon to have another adventure, and I'll miss him when he's gone. But I know when he does come home again, another Jarrod and Shan adventure will begin.

Love you Jarrod. Thanks for looking out for me

Proud of me

My life is extraordinary. Honestly. This summer has been a blast so far and it always ends with my birthday which is happening in 18 days. I will be a 23 year old woman finally going to a University, living in my parents house, working at Barnes & Noble, writing and making music, recently blonde dreaming lady - with lots of potential, just waiting for opportunity. But most of all, I will be a self satisfied person. That is what I have been dreaming of my whole life. I am happy with me, myself, in my own skin. And yet nothing has changed except for the attitude that I surround my own thoughts with. I am proud of me. It's a huge accomplishment.

Thanks to all who have helped me get to this place.

Always a bridesmaid never a Bride

Am I doomed? I have to fall in love or date the only boys on the planet that realize I'm just the girl to get to the next best thing. I'm that girl that they say, "Wow, she opened my eyes to so many things and now I am truly ready to go after what I want." But I'm never the girl who will be forever. The forever part is the, "I'll always be thankful for what you showed me." And that was again....

This past month has been so strange. I went back to my old ways of being single. I'm single and mingling. I flirt, tease, and wink then I go home and I'm alone in thought with nothing but my magic window starring at me like a judgmental little bitch. My magic window.... the place where I dream. It use to be so happy.

It's actually been happy. I haven't thought about Xtian aka Christian in a bit. I've got other things on my mind. Happy things like making music, a zombie movie, working, Browser, and lots of friends. Then I get the text. "Officially booked for 9-23-2011" Always a bridesmaid and never a bride. That is my dreaded fate. One of my good friends is getting married at the place where Xtian and I had loved. It's a stab in the heart. I am one of the bridesmaids. She was to have been one of mine as well. On top of that I have all these mags and a wedding planner book AND I still get about 5 emails a day for wedding stuff. And when you unsubscribe they ask "what is the reason?" OH BECAUSE MY FIANCÉ DOESN'T KNOW IF HE LOVES ME ANYMORE. How's that for a slap in the face. Thanks for asking.

I know they say love is supposed to be complicating and it's something you work at, but what happened to just loving someone. The simplicity of it. No games, just "I love you." But love has become a word produced too much. No one thinks of it the same anymore. Now it's like "love ya" or "I'll always love you in some way" or "I think I love her/him." LOVE. Love is passionate, crazy, irreplaceable, beautiful and smells like a rose. It's not "love ya" or we have to work on it, It's present. You do or you don't. And it's not a choice.

But I'm the girl that no one ever chooses to love, or if they do, it's not very long. It's a transitioning phase. I'm the girl in love with love who gets to be the bridesmaid who sees it and never gets to keep it.