Always a bridesmaid never a Bride

Am I doomed? I have to fall in love or date the only boys on the planet that realize I'm just the girl to get to the next best thing. I'm that girl that they say, "Wow, she opened my eyes to so many things and now I am truly ready to go after what I want." But I'm never the girl who will be forever. The forever part is the, "I'll always be thankful for what you showed me." And that was again....

This past month has been so strange. I went back to my old ways of being single. I'm single and mingling. I flirt, tease, and wink then I go home and I'm alone in thought with nothing but my magic window starring at me like a judgmental little bitch. My magic window.... the place where I dream. It use to be so happy.

It's actually been happy. I haven't thought about Xtian aka Christian in a bit. I've got other things on my mind. Happy things like making music, a zombie movie, working, Browser, and lots of friends. Then I get the text. "Officially booked for 9-23-2011" Always a bridesmaid and never a bride. That is my dreaded fate. One of my good friends is getting married at the place where Xtian and I had loved. It's a stab in the heart. I am one of the bridesmaids. She was to have been one of mine as well. On top of that I have all these mags and a wedding planner book AND I still get about 5 emails a day for wedding stuff. And when you unsubscribe they ask "what is the reason?" OH BECAUSE MY FIANCÉ DOESN'T KNOW IF HE LOVES ME ANYMORE. How's that for a slap in the face. Thanks for asking.

I know they say love is supposed to be complicating and it's something you work at, but what happened to just loving someone. The simplicity of it. No games, just "I love you." But love has become a word produced too much. No one thinks of it the same anymore. Now it's like "love ya" or "I'll always love you in some way" or "I think I love her/him." LOVE. Love is passionate, crazy, irreplaceable, beautiful and smells like a rose. It's not "love ya" or we have to work on it, It's present. You do or you don't. And it's not a choice.

But I'm the girl that no one ever chooses to love, or if they do, it's not very long. It's a transitioning phase. I'm the girl in love with love who gets to be the bridesmaid who sees it and never gets to keep it.