Love's Failure

I had a dream last night

Talking trees and flying fish

Was I asleep last night

Shooting starts I couldn't wish

In the darkness of dreams

you stood in the light

We are upside down, drowning in dreams

Beyond the obvious

In the light from the sun

I'm not the one.

You stood in time

You're loves failure-

The sadness in my twinkle

So I sing Hallelujah

To the end of my life.

* I was originally writing in hopes of conjuring up a song in me, but then they all turn out into this poetic stream of consciousness. Who knows, maybe one day it'll be a song. For right now, it's part of my release.

Thoughts

It became a story to tell, another page in a book-a memory erased. The best writing comes with dreams, dreams of love, to come and go. The ark days that flow so close.

If I shut my eyes I'll sleep forever, dreaming of a space to exist where love exist beyond two souls. Had I escaped, there'd be no letting go.

Time just froze. The magic is damage. I'm left with just a few, butterflies, I caught them on sight. I shut my eyes and I exist in a space where there is no you.

Black hearts stained by blood existing on the cut. Red is a dry desire that fire puts to shame. We become the game with a simple twist of fate. By and by I stand outside myself hoping to escape, yet I'm on repeat and it's too late.

Some ramblings going on in my brain that only make since to me. I thought it sounded poetic.

I'm a lucky girl

So things have been good, but not necessarily easy. I have amazing friends. I forgot how amazing they are. Through everything we have been through and all my blah days they have really been there for me and are so supportive. It's a nice feeling to have. Yesterday we went out to karaoke. It was a blast. Here are a few shared moments:

The Beautiful Chelsea

Adoring Tanya

Caring Daniel

And the Sweetheart Hannah

I didn't even realize how lucky I was to have such great friends.

Summer of Great Things

I would give up words just to have him hold me in his arms; I would give up singing to kiss his sweet lips; and I would give up breathing to hear him say I love you while his baby blue eyes looked deep into my brown. It is he that I love, he that I adore. It is my mistake for not telling him that as often as I should.

Christian and I have parted ways and after looking back on it further I am surprised he didn't call it off sooner. I have drowned myself in everything that is wrong with my life that it became unbearable for him to even be around me. I wouldn't have wanted to be around me. I lost hope, passion and happiness. But above all I lost myself. I forgot how to live without him. That was my biggest mistake.

I love him, but I haven't been able to love myself so how can he possibly love me. As the days pass I learn more and more of what I have been missing in my life, and that would be the value of my self-worth. It is little to nothing. So it is my hope that in this separation that I shall find myself again. Find all those things that gave me the simplest pleasure. A life apart from him, a life that I am comfortable standing alone in.

It pains me to part from him because I love him so dearly. Being with him is the happiest I have ever been. He gave me light when at the time I saw only but darkness. I didn't tell him enough that he is my best friend and my soul mate. He deserves to hear that everyday.

My hope is that on the way to discovering my self-worth is that he won't forget about me. He won't forget about our love or that what he have is something so special. I could never forget about him. And although he will not be in the making of my self discovery nor in the plans of my future he will undoubtedly be my inspiration for moving forward, moving towards happiness.

So while I am headed on this new path I plan to live it up. I know it'll take time, and though I am highly impatient, but I intend to take each moment and every opportunity to learn and do something new. Starting with a hand made positive poster to hang on my wall. After that I want to join karate, find an art class in town, buy a few books, start writing stories again, create more crocheting projects, learn how to speak French better, work on my body image... and spread all the love I can give around.

This is going to be a summer of great things.

A Rose Melody

So here are several items that I make from my crochet line. Trying to start something new and fun. I would love all the help of spreading the word.

Blueberry Sunrise. $4

Flowers are $4 each or 3 for $10

Red and Gray Stripped Scarf. $20

Plain Jane. $4

Flirty Fire. $4

Pin Up Doll. $4

Purple, White and Gray scarf. $25

Irish Flag Beanie. $13

Green and Gray stripped scarf. $20

Sweet Lips. $4

Scarfs range from $20-$25. I also make baby blankets which sell for $40. All items can be made into requested colors.

More to come. Female beanies with Flower accessories. Baby headbands with Flower accessory. Pictures of baby blankets. I am more then happy to take in request to make anything as long as it is within my means of doing.

I came up with the name A Rose Melody because it was a blog name I had on Myspace. And I love roses, more like obsessed with them (as you might tell from the name of this blog). I am also passionate about music, and the beauty of them both kind of mesh together for me. So it seemed appropriate to pass on the name to my collection.

I hope you like and please spread the word. Thanks!

Shan

In a nut shell

What else can really go wrong? Honestly! So it's been told to me many times that I just move on from singing. The one constant thing in my life. What I would call my heart and soul. Can anyone honestly tell me that that is an easy thing to do. I don't think so. Music has been my life's passion and I am only 22. I've spent hours and days and months and years dedicating what little of my life there is to music, and yet it has failed me. Or perhaps it is the other way around. It seems I have come to a dead end. A spot where I can no longer grow as a musician. Everyone keeps telling me no. This is beyond sadness to me. My heart aches, and my soul feels like it's losing it's light, it's glow, the purpose of smiling. So what's next?

A distraction?!

Well I have been reading like crazy. I read all five books of the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series by Rick Riordan. Awesome! If you love mythology you have to check it out. Whether you are an adult or not this juvenile fiction story is surely an adventure. I also read the first two books of the Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins. I was really hesitant to read this because I'm not really into the survival of the fittest thing, but this book was truly awesome. The way the author plots the books are awesome. I can't wait for the final book in August.

I also read lots of Francesca Lia Block. She raises my spirits and I find myself smiling to myself often. She makes me long for green fields and fairy tales. Flowers in my hair twirling in the sunshine, in a sun dress drinking lemonade. Her stories always have a special place in my heart and they bring joy to me. Currently I am reading Northanger Abbey my the lovely Jane Austen. The world would be nothing without the beloved author of whom I share many thoughts with.

As for the other distraction...

That would be my wedding. Having set several different dates we are waiting to hear back from school to see if I got accepted to Cal Poly Pomona. At this point I no longer care if whether or not I get accepted to Cal State Long Beach or Fullerton, that's a dead dream. Cal Poly would be wonderful because Tanya still goes there and although they don't specialize in vocal performance I can still take lessons at RCC and take music theory classes at Cal Poly while majoring in English Lit or Creative Writing.

My wedding is a slow progress since I have lots of time. However my mama and I went shopping and I think I found my dress. It's very beautiful. But I don't want to just settle on the first dress so we are going to plan another day of shopping. I love my theme and I love all the ideas that I have. It's going to be really exciting.

So there you have it. My life in a nut shell. I still get lonely and bored from time to time and my heart often quivers from the thought of not being able to actively participate in something musically wonderful in the future but with the positive energy of my wonderful fiance I am slowly moving forward.

I'm just really looking for the next big thing.

The always dreaming,

Shan

p.s. just a little poem i wrote a long while ago.

You asked me jump
So I crawled to my knees
asking, "where is your love,
Have you proved it to me?"
So I jumped, I fell to my
death taking a rose from my lips
to stain you with this:

As I lay for eternity, my hands
cover my eyes-enclosing secrets
unsaid, a heart you left dead.
You asked me to cry
so I laughed in the forest
listening to trees
confess their love in the dark.

20 April 2008

For the sake of blogging....

I felt the need to blog just for the sake of blogging but I have nothing interesting to say. Not really. Which, oddly enough, has been the case for the past year. All of a sudden I have nothing to say and nothing to write about. I keep telling myself that I want to start working on my poetry more or start writing a short story. I have all these ideas but I never put thought to paper (or more realistically, to computer). It's rather annoying. A year and a half ago I couldn't shut up with things to say and I wrote all the time. Maybe it's because I have too many things on my mind that I can't separate the thoughts, everything at this point is a big blur. For instance: paying off my credit cards, holding enough money for a savings, getting into a university, pursuing music, writing my own music, focusing on vocal performance, auditions for universities, looking towards a better career, my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend, my sisters wedding and me being the maid of honor with a lot to do, continuing to mend the relationship with my father, afraid to mend my relationship with my father because of fear of getting hurt again....

All of this I use to channel into writing but the focus' all came in seasons and lately it's building up. I could build a mansion with dozens of big rooms with different focus' to which my attention is at; to where it use to be just one small house and there were problems one after the other, now there are problems in bulk. Ugh....

My best friend Tanya is going to Texas for the holidays. She is leaving Saturday. This kind of saddens me, but I know she needs to spend time with family. Tanya is truly an empowering woman. I love her.

That is all for now....